Begin Again

My mother texted me at 6am to let me know that I haven’t updated my blog. So this one is for you mama!

Please excuse my absence from the blog. I have taken some time to let things settle in

Moda

and really didn’t want to put anything out there as I really had nothing positive to share. In the past few months I felt a huge loss in my personal life and career. After the cancellation of “A List” I didn’t think things could get worse until someone I love more than anything found out that she had stage 3 breast cancer. I was dealing with a shitty break up with someone I shouldn’t have been involved with in the first place. I truly believe my character was being tested and I didn’t think this was something I could survive. In my life some things have come pretty easy and other times I’ve been beaten to a pulp BUT nothing has felt this bleak.

I’m a runner in life. I run almost everyday for exercise and have found that I run from my problems. I pretend that I’m strong enough to handle anything and I’ve always been too proud to ask for help. This year I asked for help. I went to church with my family for my niece’s baptism and listening to the sermon I lost it. I started crying to the point were I couldn’t maintain composure and had to leave. My oldest brother saw my sadness and got me out of there. He told me how he has always admired me and looked up to me. He swore my heart would mend and I would find someone who loved me + valued my worth. I moved away from my family and 18 and hadn’t really connected with my brother in years so this was surprising that he shared his heart. Which made me cry even more! I knew in that moment I needed to get back to the Derek that chased his dreams + followed his heart.

I read a book called “Joy” by Osho and it changed everything. What did I have to be so miserable about? So I took a risk and left my career for a show that was cancelled. I let my wall down and gave my heart to someone that didn’t deserve it. Someone I loved so dearly was getting news that had 2-10 years to live. What could I have done? NOTHING! I had to enjoy the moment… The very place I was in… I closed my eyes and the wind was blowing and I was looking out on the great city of New York. I was alive and thankful for the air I was breathing. There was nothing I could do to change the situations that lay before me. Like reality tv I had no control over what was about to happen but I had a choice to make. I could dwell on what I lost or be grateful for what I actually had.

Months have passed and so have so many of my prior issues. The cancer is being treated with chemo, my heart has mended, and my career is back on track. I can’t and won’t settle ever in my life. I am 29 years old and I still have dreams that are yet to be obtained. For so long my life was a routine and ended the same everyday. My tomorrow is a mystery and it scares the shit out of me! AND THATS WHAT I WANT!!!! I want to be scared I want to be challenged.

I have been spending time with someone who is so kind! When all was going down a few months ago I called my dad asking for advice. He told me that I deserve someone with the most beautiful inside ( This sounds so hokey) but its the truth. For so long I dated people who I felt were beautiful but nothing inside proved to be true. I have found someone beautiful inside and out. I have been so careful not to fall in the same landmines I did months ago. I have never seen someone so honest and loving + even now makes me want to cry just talking about it.

In closing I want to say thank you to everyone thats been along for my crazy ride. Thank you for supporting me and sending me tweets when I needed them most. My future will be amazing but I am enjoying today and this moment now! I have some exciting news but at this time it can’t be shared πŸ™‚

Thanks for reading and sending you all my love!
xx

Derek

OOO

9 thoughts on “Begin Again

  1. Derek, you know I love you. You are the sweetest guy and deserve nothing but the best. Any man who let you go or hurt you simply doesn’t deserve you, so I am glad you have found one who sounds like he does. Keep your head up and know that God (and I) will always see you and believe in you as the bright shining light that you are.

  2. I love you and admire your strength!! Today Abby brought one of the old polaroids to me and said “look momma it’s Uncle D”. We love you and miss you!! I am so happy to hear you have found a beautiful person! As we were so easily reminded this year we have only one go around here on Earth and its best to spend that time with someone who loves and respects you. I love you so much and will see you soon!!

  3. Derek..it’s so good to see you blogging again! And even better to see that you have found someone as amazing as you are! You are such a big – hearted person..and are so young , and have so many amazing things to come in your future! Good Luck with everything!

  4. Thank you for sharing this with us… It was very inspiring to me!…. I have been feeling very shitty personally as well for the last few months. Thinking of reading the Joy book now, hopefully it helps me too! You are an amazing person outside and in! Good Luck, I hope you find everything you are searching for, you deserve it!

  5. great post! so inspiring to see that I am not the only one in the world going through some challenges. I like the line: “My tomorrow is a mystery and it scares the shit out of me! AND THATS WHAT I WANT!!!! I want to be scared I want to be challenged.”

    thank you!

    -j

  6. Im reading your post with tears in my eyes because i can relate to what you are saying. I know what its like to be at that place in your life where it seems everything is going wrong but its just a phase and it too will pass. I am very sorry to hear about your friend and i will keep her in my prayers. Miracles do happen so dont give up. Its so sad that the show was cancelled because i was so excited to see the next season but everything happens for a reason and im happy at least i got a chance to know u in the 2 seasons that aired. You are a great person with a beautiful spirit Derek and anyone who cant treat you the way you should be treated does not deserve you at all but life is about trial and error and with each mistake you become stronger and more knowledgeable. I hope the new person in your life will prove to be the one loves you the way you should be loved. The fact that they were there during your low moments is an indication that this could be the one. Continue to follow your dreams and never settle for less. Enjoy your family and your new found happiness. Continue being who you are and i wish for you nothing but happiness and success. Lots of love Boo and i will be waiting to hear the good news πŸ™‚

  7. Derek – I admire you for being so open and honest with what you’ve had going on. I tell you all the time how I think you are so great inside and out!! And you deserve someone who is the same way! As much as I hate going thru trials and problems – they are necessary – they help us get stronger and also I think they help us know ourselves better! Your potential is great – and I’m happy you are back on the journey! Love you!