I have driven 120 miles in a week and I have gone 4 places.

Everyone says “I like New York because no one walks in LA”… Umm that can’t be true I have had to park avenues away from where I need to be a find myself walking in dark side streets (Not as fun as it sounds)

Kale is cool. If you eat Kale in California you are fucking Madonna.

Adrienne Maloof hates Brandi Glanville! Haha Trust she is not happy about Brandi being on that show!

Getting drunk is impossible as everyone has to drive. At dinner with 5 people the other night we all sat and discussed how many beverages we drank + when we were safe to drive home.

With the 3 hour time difference I feel like Im on a separate planet. Social media ruins everything and all the jokes are lost on me as I won’t see it for 3 hours.

Driving 3 miles takes 30 mins. *Better get ready I have to be someone in an hour and its 4 miles away (You do the math)

The sun is shining and its still freezing. My car tells me its 68 degrees but my body feels like 40 degrees? My house is freezing!!!

It may seem like I am bitching but truth be told I actually like it out here. Once I get settled Im sure to have more positive upbeat things to say I’m sure.
Anyhow happy monday! Much love

Please excuse my absence from the blog. I have taken some time to let things settle in and really didn’t want to put anything out there as I really had nothing positive to share. In the past few months I felt a huge loss in my personal life and career. After the cancellation of “A List” I didn’t think things could get worse until someone I love more than anything found out that she had stage 3 breast cancer. I was dealing with a shitty break up with someone I shouldn’t have been involved with in the first place. I truly believe my character was being tested and I didn’t think this was something I could survive. In my life some things have come pretty easy and other times I’ve been beaten to a pulp BUT nothing has felt this bleak.

I’m a runner in life. I run almost everyday for exercise and have found that I run from my problems. I pretend that I’m strong enough to handle anything and I’ve always been too proud to ask for help. This year I asked for help. I went to church with my family for my niece’s baptism and listening to the sermon I lost it. I started crying to the point were I couldn’t maintain composure and had to leave. My oldest brother saw my sadness and got me out of there. He told me how he has always admired me and looked up to me. He swore my heart would mend and I would find someone who loved me + valued my worth. I moved away from my family and 18 and hadn’t really connected with my brother in years so this was surprising that he shared his heart. Which made me cry even more! I knew in that moment I needed to get back to the Derek that chased his dreams + followed his heart.

I read a book called “Joy” by Osho and it changed everything. What did I have to be so miserable about? So I took a risk and left my career for a show that was cancelled. I let my wall down and gave my heart to someone that didn’t deserve it. Someone I loved so dearly was getting news that had 2-10 years to live. What could I have done? NOTHING! I had to enjoy the moment… The very place I was in… I closed my eyes and the wind was blowing and I was looking out on the great city of New York. I was alive and thankful for the air I was breathing. There was nothing I could do to change the situations that lay before me. Like reality tv I had no control over what was about to happen but I had a choice to make. I could dwell on what I lost or be grateful for what I actually had.

Months have passed and so have so many of my prior issues. The cancer is being treated with chemo, my heart has mended, and my career is back on track. I can’t and won’t settle ever in my life. I am 29 years old and I still have dreams that are yet to be obtained. For so long my life was a routine and ended the same everyday. My tomorrow is a mystery and it scares the shit out of me! AND THATS WHAT I WANT!!!! I want to be scared I want to be challenged.

I have been spending time with someone who is so kind! When all was going down a few months ago I called my dad asking for advice. He told me that I deserve someone with the most beautiful inside ( This sounds so hokey) but its the truth. For so long I dated people who I felt were beautiful but nothing inside proved to be true. I have found someone beautiful inside and out. I have been so careful not to fall in the same landmines I did months ago. I have never seen someone so honest and loving + even now makes me want to cry just talking about it.

In closing I want to say thank you to everyone thats been along for my crazy ride. Thank you for supporting me and sending me tweets when I needed them most. My future will be amazing but I am enjoying today and this moment now! I have some exciting news but at this time it can’t be shared

Thanks for reading and sending you all my love!
xx

“I feel really sad for the child,” said Saathoff. “I was asked to be a part of Toddlers and Tiaras to spray-tan a child and I said no. Children have one childhood and parents shouldn’t use that for their selfish reasons. I totally blame that show.”

Full story here: http://www.queerty.com/the-a-lists-derek-saathoff-blames-toddlers-and-tiaras-for-giving-tanorexic-jersey-mom-wrong-idea-20120504/#ixzz1u18mld4u

I know its been a while please forgive me for not updating. I am back in NY and loving every minute!

The last time I was in New York was November 17th for an appearance in New Jersey so that doesn’t even really count.

After we finished season 2 of the show I needed a break. As everyone knows that watched the show it was very intense and behind the scenes wasn’t any better. For 10 years of living in NY I have only seen my family for weekends and at holidays. So I spent a lot of the winter when I wasn’t traveling at my place in Louisville, Ky.

I feel recharged and I see the city with virgin eyes again. The day I got back I walked around for hours just taking it all in. I have had some great meetings and I am putting positive energy out into the world.

I had been hearing rumors that Logo was going in a different direction this year. We will all have to wait to see what happens. This article was put out a few days ago so I don’t know what will happen.

http://www.nerve.com/news/tv/gay-tv-network-logo-moving-away-from-making-gay-tv

Regardless of what happens my life is not dependent on this show. I am thankful for everything I have learned from this experience and I will always be grateful for what has happened since its premiere. When you met me I was consumed in the NY rat race and needed to see myself on TV to be humbled. I was after what everyone else had and would have never stopped. Nothing was ever enough and I based my happiness on the salary I was making. Today I am the opposite. I would gladly go work at Starbucks before I ever accepted my old position. My life is mine now. The phone rings and it is someone calling for me not asking me to get someone else. I decide my future and for the first time ever I am content with where I am in the present. Of course I miss the pay checks but what I gave up to accept it was never worth it. Tansxl would have never been as successful if it wasn’t for the show and I will be forever grateful to Logo for following the beginning steps of my company. I am thankful for all of you who have stuck with me. You watched the show and supported me when I needed it most.

When I hear news I will keep you updated. Wishing you all a wonderful work week! I hope you are doing what makes you happy!

All my love.

xoxo

Below are some pictures from last weeks events!

I always remember being thinner then most boys but didn’t notice it until I moved into the models apartment at 18. I joined an apartment boys that were more commercial models and I was a rail thin “high fashion” editorial model. I didn’t necessarily feel different until I started going to gay bars and seeing how critical and judgemental homosexual men were. I started going to the gym and trying to compete with other guys that received a lot of attention when we had gone out. I limited my food and became a creature of routine. Everyday I ate the same thing and kept a food log of how many calories I had eaten. Results came quick but it wasn’t until I got my hands on adderall did things really change. I lost 7 lbs in 3 days and I could start seeing my ribs. At the time I was so excited and continued this habit with food counting until I lost all control. I was running anywhere from 3-7 miles a day and limiting all carbs. I was a monster. When I drank the real monster came out. I am thankful to this day to be alive and still have my friends. It wasn’t until I had one big blow up that involved the police that I realized I had a problem. I was wasting away and was literally killing myself. I got down to 130 and my hair started to fall out.

No one ever talks about guys with eating disorders so I had no one to relate myself to but the women I knew addicted to laxatives and starving themselves. I talked to a doctor and got the help I needed. I put the bottle of adderall as far under my bed as I could just in case I wanted it again. That way I had to crawl through all my crap to get it and hoping that would make it difficult. I never went looking for them and to this day can’t take it. Everyday my chest bone pops because I lost so much weight so quick and my body didnt have time to prepare itself. Its painful but a reminder of how I dont want to go back.

Someone tweeted me that they didn’t like me anymore because I was fat. That of course hurts because its a sensitive subject with me but I am happier today then I ever was before. I know I am not fat and I know I will be kinder with my words in the future to people. I love food + I love working out. As long as I continue to be healthy with both I don’t see a problem arising. I know there are more guys out there like me and I hope they get the help they need.

I don’t have many pictures of when I was at my thinnest but I found these to give you an idea. The other 2 are me now

I have an overwhelming since of gratitude for my life and my experiences. I remember laying in bed as a child and trying to understand what life was. I couldn’t understand that this is all there is! I wanted to know where the universe ended and what happens after this life. Never scared of what was unknown just curious about how everything worked.

I have fallen in love with “It’s a Brad Brad world”. I’m so happy that finally he has his own show. I saw a scene between him and his mother and he started crying because he was so happy. He was scared that everything was so perfect and something bad had to happen because he had so much good. I was weeping at home because I have often felt similar. Im not comparing situations or shows I just felt for him as I have experienced a fear for the bottom to fall out. Im living my life for me + my dreams are coming true. My book says that what you put out in the universe you get back. I have always been a firm believer of the golden rule and will never forget my mom telling me “you get what you give”. Remaining positive and handling yourself the best you can is all you can do.

Alright I’m in the airport + need to stop rambling. Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

A year ago today I was presented with the option of working for a company that was no longer treating me fairly or embarking on an adventure that I controlled. A year later I have my own company and I am happier then I have ever been. I feel more comfortable and confident in myself. I’ve met some amazing people and worked intensely on friendships that needed it. I know I am exactly where I am meant to be. I’m excited about the future but living in the moment. Staying positive has been a huge goal for me this year and I have accomplished that. With all that has changed around me I feel I haven’t changed a bit. I’ve seen some of the worst times and best times but I appreciate both. Tansxl has far exceeded my expectations and I can’t thank you enough for your support.

For the New Year. I won’t make any resolutions because I don’t like to put that kind of pressure on myself. Instead I have a set of goals for 2012 and I am excited about the opportunities I will create. I feel so lucky that I have gotten to travel around the country making new friends while spending time with my co-AListers.

The A List New York might be where you met me but I assure you it won’t be where you forget me. I am so proud that I am apart of something that is different. Everyone can say how they feel about our show and criticize it to the high heavens. The guys on the show know that we started something. I feel blessed to be apart of it and it has taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you for being apart of my journey. I wish all of you a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you all have a safe holiday + love you all.
xoxo

Here are some of my fav photos of 2011.